k....once more....
once more the same thot....
its the 100th 1000th millionth time???
when the same thing comes to my mind again....

like the ner repeating patterns that appear in oil spills in watery puddles...
the same types of patterns....find different designs each time...
the same thot...find different avenues and hues each time...

the thot:
i still wanna be small....but i still wanna rule the world...
i still wanna run around like a lil kid...but i still wanna b steady...
i still wanna learn...but i still feel i know it all
i still wanna be carried away like the weightless soap bubbles take a ride with the winds...and i still wanna stay firm
i still wanna laughout loud carelessly...and i still wanna be polished, sofisticated, elite and blah blah blah!!!!!!

still growing and still a kid...
still wanna grow and still foolin around
still waiting and still impatient
still humble, unpretentious, straight forward, docile and still audacious, arrogant, proud, full of attitude
still sure...still uncertain...
still happy and joyful and bubbly...and yet teary, heavy hearted and troubled.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

gal!!!grow up.
gal!!!slow down
gal!!!:)
gal!!!

so gaye jugnoo!!!

feelings that dont reach....
tears that dont fall...

a heart full of thots...unsaid words...
the incapability of expressing...
inability to reach out....for whatevah reason...

i hate the helplessness...when words wont come out....
those that do...wont express what u feel...
feelings trapped inside a heavy heart...that try to come out as tears...
but no..they too wont trickle out...coz its not the tears that wanna come out...its..
awww...

roots...
we had this conversation about $-Re conversion this mornin.
I had thot b4 i came to the US that it wud take me a while to get out of the habbit of converting dollars to Rs everytime. Surprisingly i got rid of that habbit sooner than usual-----
"yeah thats probably coz once u start earning in dollars u dont bother about the conversions..."
------or so i thot at the 1st thot.
"its probably jus those who still get money from back home in india..who still convert."
------bingo!!!!!
well...
guess i am earning a good amount here...workin hard and self sufficient in terms of 'living'...
but the shoots are here only coz the roots are there...
its not jus som dumb ol habbit...the conversion thing...jus somthing i attach to my roots.

lots other things tooo that attach to my roots...this is jus one..that made itself so obvious to me today.
hmmmmmmmmm.

so when do u know that u r big enuff...grown up enuff ....

for the past 9 months i have been takin most of my decisions on my own...pretty much...things which i wud have otherwise asked somone...
and today when i spoke to my brother i still thot i was small yet...and i di not understand much of the world...so does he think the same way when he talks to his elders?
and then he discussed his career plans with me....and i thot hmm me big enuff....so do wud u discuss things as imp as that with a lil kid???

small big small big...ufff.
then he says...i am like his dotter ..
and then i say that his dotter is like my dotter....

yeh bachpana hai ya badakhpan?
so how do u decide when u r big enuff for somthin???and how?

ther is somthin devilish in todays breeze....
a lil devil that seems to instill the most innocent naughty child in my mind...the one does not wanna work...the one who wants to play around in this lovely ray of the sun..all day long.
coz its sooo beautiful today....
aaj mausam ne ajeeb sa jaadu kiya hai.....
clear blue sky....sunny warm day....ther r pretty pretty flowers all over the place...and the aroma of the nectar of those flowers fills the breezes
the beauty enthralls u till u r obsessed with the presence of the tender leaves shinning brightly.

its amazing how a pretty day can work wonders in changing ur mood.
its amazing how things that seems so trivial play such a huge roll in dictating the way ur day wud go...
its jus simply so amazing....
hmmm...
that i have tons of work piled up rite here in front of me and i am sitting here riting all this...
that i
uff.....
if only i cud take control of this lil devil called mind...